Monty Python's Life of Brian - (c) 1979 - Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd. CAST WISE MAN #1 WISE MAN #2 WISE MAN #3 MANDY COHEN SINGER JESUS CHRIST BRIAN COHEN MR. BIG NOSE MRS. BIG NOSE GREGORY MRS. GREGORY MR. CHEEKY MAN #1 MAN #2 JUDITH REG STAN/LORETTA FRANCIS HARRY THE HAGGLER DONKEY OWNER MATTHIAS STONE HELPER #1 STONE HELPER #2 JEWISH OFFICIAL WOMAN #1 CULPRIT WOMAN MRS. A. EX-LEPER ANNOUNCER BORIS FEINBURG CENTURION ROMAN SOLDIER STIG FRANCIS DEADLY DIRK WARRIS JAILER BEN PONTIUS PILATE GUARD #1 GUARD #2 GUARD #3 GUARD #4 PASSER-BY BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET FALSE PROPHET BORING PROPHET BURT SERGEANT COLIN DENNIS ELSIE EDDIE ARTHUR FRANK GIRL YOUTH SHOE FOLLOWER SPIKE BLIND MAN SIMON THE HOLY MAN MR. PAPADOPOULOS BIGGUS DICKUS NISUS WETTUS BOB HOSKINS JAILER'S ASSISTANT PARVUS ALFONSO SAINTLY PASSER-BY OTTO MR. FRISBEE III John Cleese Graham Chapman Michael Palin Terry Jones Sonia Jones Ken Colley Graham Chapman Michael Palin Gwen Taylor Terence Bayler Carol Cleveland Eric Idle Charles McKeown Terry Gilliam Sue Jones-Davies John Cleese Eric Idle Michael Palin Eric Idle Gwen Taylor John Young Bernard McKenna Andrew MacLachlan John Cleese Carol Cleveland Eric Idle Michael Palin Michael Palin Michael Palin Neil Innes John Cleese Charles McKeown Michael Palin John Cleese Eric Idle Terry Gilliam Michael Palin Michael Palin Bernard McKenna Andrew MacLachlan Chris Langham Charles McKeown Charles Knode Terry Gilliam Charles McKeown Michael Palin John Case Bernard McKenna Terry Jones Terence Bayler Carol Cleveland Michael Palin John Cleese Terry Gilliam Gwen Taylor Eric Idle Michael Palin Spike Milligan Charles McKeown Terry Jones George Harrison Graham Chapman Michael Palin Terry Jones Eric Idle Bernard McKenna Chris Langham Terry Jones Eric Idle Eric Idle Scene 1: The Manger [holy music] BABY BRIAN COHEN [crying] WISE MAN #1 Ahem. MANDY COHEN Ohhh! [whump] Who are you? WISE MAN #1 We are three wise men. MANDY What?! WISE MAN #1 We are three wise men. MANDY Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me. WISE MAN #3 We are astrologers. WISE MAN #1 We have come from the East. MANDY Is this some kind of joke? WISE MAN #2 We wish to praise the infant. WISE MAN #1 We must pay homage to him. MANDY Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting. Out! The lot, out! WISE MAN #1 No-- MANDY Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on. Out! WISE MAN #2 No, no. We must see him. MANDY Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on! WISE MAN #2 We-- WISE MAN #1 We were led by a star. MANDY Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Out! WISE MAN #1 Well-- well, we must see him. We have brought presents. MANDY Out! WISE MAN #2 Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh. MANDY Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh, anyway? WISE MAN #3 It is a valuable balm. MANDY A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him. WISE MAN #3 What? MANDY That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough. WISE MAN #1 No, it isn't. MANDY Yes, it is. It's great, big mmm... WISE MAN #3 No, no, no. It is an ointment. MANDY Aww, there is an animal called a balm,... or did I dream it? So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then? WISE MAN #2 Hmm? MANDY What star sign is he? WISE MAN #2 Uh, Capricorn. MANDY Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like? WISE MAN #2 Ooh, but... he is the son of God, our Messiah. WISE MAN #1 King of the Jews. MANDY And that's Capricorn, is it? WISE MAN #2 Uh, no, no, no. That's just him. MANDY Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.' [sniff] WISE MAN #1 By what name are you calling him? [holy music] MANDY Uh, 'Brian'. WISE MEN We worship you, O Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen. MANDY Do you do a lot of this, then? WISE MAN #2 What? MANDY This praising. WISE MAN #2 No, no. No, no. MANDY Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye. Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still. [WISE MEN leave] Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo. [WISE MEN return and grab presents] Here! Here! Here, that-- that's mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that! Oh. [whump] [holy music] BABY BRIAN [crying] MANDY Shut up. [smack] Credits SINGER Brian. The babe they called 'Brian', He grew,... grew, grew, and grew-- Grew up to be-- grew up to be A boy called 'Brian'-- A boy called 'Brian'. He had arms... and legs... and hands... and feet, This boy... whose name was 'Brian', And he grew,... grew, grew, and grew-- Grew up to be-- Yes, he grew up to be A teenager called 'Brian'-- A teenager called 'Brian', And his face became spotty. Yes, his face became spotty, And his voice dropped down low And things started to grow On young Brian and show He was certainly no-- No girl named 'Brian', Not a girl named 'Brian'. And he started to shave And have one off the wrist And want to see girls And go out and get pissed, A man called 'Brian'-- This man called 'Brian'-- The man they called 'Brian'-- This man called 'Brian'! [crash] Ahh! Scene 2: Sermon on the Mount [music] JESUS CHRIST How blest are those who know that He's a god. How blest are the sorrowful. They shall find consolation. How blest are those of gentle spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession. How blest are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail. RANDOM [cough cough] JESUS They shall be satisfied. How blest are those whose hearts are pure.They shall see God... MANDY Speak up! MAN Shh. BRIAN Quiet, Mum. JESUS How blest are those of gentle... MANDY Well, I can't hear a thing. JESUS ...spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession. MANDY Let's go t' the stoning. JESUS How blest are those... MR. BIG NOSE Shh. JESUS ...who hunger and thirst... BRIAN You can go to a stoning any time. JESUS ...to see right... MANDY Oh, come on, Brian. JESUS ...prevail. MR. BIG NOSE Will you be quiet?! JESUS How blest are they who have suffered much... MRS. BIG NOSE Don't pick your nose. MR. BIG NOSE I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching. MRS. BIG NOSE You was picking it, while you was talking to that lady. MR. BIG NOSE I wasn't! MRS. BIG NOSE Leave it alone. Give it a rest. MR. CHEEKY Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying. MRS. BIG NOSE Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband. MR. CHEEKY Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing. MR. BIG NOSE Don't you swear at my wife. MR. CHEEKY I was only asking her to shut up, so I can hear what he's saying, Big Nose. MRS. BIG NOSE Don't you call my husband 'Big Nose'! MR. CHEEKY Well, he has got a big nose. GREGORY Could you be quiet, please? JESUS They shall have the earth... GREGORY What was that? JESUS ...for their possession. How blest are those... MR. CHEEKY I don't know. I was too busy talking to Big Nose. JESUS ...who hunger and thirst to see... MAN #1 I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.' JESUS ...right prevail. MRS. GREGORY Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers? GREGORY Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products. MR. CHEEKY See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose. JESUS How blest are those who... MR. BIG NOSE Hey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in. MRS. GREGORY Ohh. MR. CHEEKY Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.' BRIAN Oh, lay off him. MR. CHEEKY Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City? MR. BIG NOSE One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners! MRS. BIG NOSE Language! JESUS ...hunger and thirst to see... MRS. BIG NOSE And don't pick your nose. JESUS ...right prevail. MR. BIG NOSE I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was going to thump him! MAN #2 You hear that? Blessed are the Greek. GREGORY The Greek? MAN #2 Mmm. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit the earth. GREGORY Did anyone catch his name? MRS. BIG NOSE You're not going to thump anybody. MR. BIG NOSE I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose' again. MR. CHEEKY Oh, shut up, Big Nose. MR. BIG NOSE Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard-- MRS. BIG NOSE Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time. MR. CHEEKY Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose. MR. BIG NOSE Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I've finished with you! MAN #1 and MAN #2 Shhh. MR. CHEEKY Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother? MR. BIG NOSE Oh. Right. That's your last warning. MRS. GREGORY Oh, do pipe down. [MR. BIG NOSE slugs MRS. GREGORY] Oh! [MR. BIG NOSE and GREGORY fight] GREGORY Oh! MRS. GREGORY Awa? MR. BIG NOSE Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?... MRS. GREGORY Ow!... MR. BIG NOSE Break it up-- oh. Oh! MANDY Oh, come on. Let's go to the stoning. BRIAN All right. [music] FRANCIS Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg. REG Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem. JUDITH Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see. MANDY Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there. BRIAN All right. MR. CHEEKY Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, officer, intervene here. Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all. Scene 3: Harry the Haggler MANDY Ohh, I hate wearing these beards. BRIAN Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, Mum? MANDY It's written. That's why. HARRY THE HAGGLER Pssst! Beard, madam? DONKEY OWNER Oh, look. I haven't got time to go to no stonings. He's not well again. [hee-haw hee-haw] HARRY THE HAGGLER Stones, sir? MANDY Naah. They've got a lot there, lying around on the ground. HARRY THE HAGGLER Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship, sir. MANDY Hmmm. Aah, all right. We'll have, uh, two with points and... a big flat one. BRIAN Could I have a flat one, Mum? MANDY Shh! BRIAN Sorry. Dad. MANDY Ehh, all right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel. HARRY THE HAGGLER Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon. MANDY Hehh? HARRY THE HAGGLER Local boy. MANDY Oh, good. HARRY THE HAGGLER Enjoy yourselves. Scene 4: The Stoning CROWD OF WOMEN [yelling] JEWISH OFFICIAL Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath. MATTHIAS Do I say 'yes'? STONE HELPER #1 Yes MATTHIAS Yes. OFFICIAL You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer,... CROWD Ooooh! OFFICIAL ...you are to be stoned to death. CROWD Ahh! MATTHIAS Look. I-- I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.' CROWD Oooooh! OFFICIAL Blasphemy! He's said it again! CROWD Yes! Yes, he did! He did!... OFFICIAL Did you hear him?! CROWD Yes! Yes, we did! We did!... WOMAN #1 Really! [silence] OFFICIAL Are there any women here today? CROWD No. No. No. No... OFFICIAL Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me-- [CULPRIT WOMAN stones MATTHIAS] MATTHIAS Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet! OFFICIAL Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on. CROWD She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did. CULPRIT WOMAN Sorry. I thought we'd started. OFFICIAL Go to the back. CULPRIT WOMAN Oh, dear. OFFICIAL Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we? MATTHIAS Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'. CROWD Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!... OFFICIAL You're only making it worse for yourself! MATTHIAS Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! CROWD Oooooh!... OFFICIAL I'm warning you. If you say 'Jehovah' once more-- [MRS. A. stones OFFICIAL] Right. Who threw that? MATTHIAS [laughing] [silence] OFFICIAL Come on. Who threw that? CROWD She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. OFFICIAL Was it you? MRS. A. Yes. OFFICIAL Right! MRS. A. Well, you did say 'Jehovah'. CROWD Ah! Ooooh!... [CROWD stones MRS. A.] OFFICIAL Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'. CROWD Ooooooh!... [CROWD stones OFFICIAL] WOMAN #1 Good shot! [clap clap clap] Scene 5: The Street [music] BRIAN Have I got a big nose, Mum? MANDY Oh, stop thinking about sex. BRIAN I wasn't. MANDY You're always on about it... morning, noon, and night. 'Will the girls like this?' 'Will the girls like that?' 'Is it too big?' 'Is it too small?' LEPER #1 Spare a shekel. LEPER #2 God bless you, sir. LEPER #3 Alms for a leper. LEPER #4 Alms for a leper. EX-LEPER Alms for an ex-leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch. Spare a talent for an old ex-leper. MANDY Buzz off! [to Brian] EX-LEPER Spare a talent for an old ex-leper. MANDY A talent? That's more than he earns in a month. EX-LEPER Half a talent, then. MANDY No, go away! EX-LEPER Come on, Big Nose. Let's haggle. BRIAN What? EX-LEPER All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel. I start at two thousand. We close about eighteen hundred. BRIAN No. EX-LEPER Seventeen-fifty? MANDY Go away! EX-LEPER Seventeen-forty. MANDY Look. Will you leave him alone? EX-LEPER All right. Two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh? MANDY Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off! EX-LEPER All right, sir. My final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper. BRIAN Did you say... 'ex-leper'? EX-LEPER That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir. BRIAN Well, what happened? EX-LEPER I was cured, sir. BRIAN Cured? EX-LEPER Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you. BRIAN Who cured you? EX-LEPER Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder. BRIAN Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again? EX-LEPER Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh-- MANDY Brian! Come and clean your room out. BRIAN There you are. EX-LEPER Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a denary for me bloody life story? BRIAN There's no pleasing some people. EX-LEPER That's just what Jesus said, sir. [baaaa] [clunk] Scene 6: Brian's Home MANDY Oh. OFFICER Good afternoon. MANDY Oh, ah. Hello, officer. Ehh. I'll be with you in a few moments. All right, dear? BRIAN What's he doing here? MANDY Now, don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out. BRIAN Bloody Romans. MANDY Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and don't you forget it. BRIAN We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum. MANDY Well, that's not entirely true, is it Brian? BRIAN What do you mean? MANDY Well, you know you were asking me about your, uh... BRIAN My nose? MANDY Yes. Well, there's a reason it's... like it is, Brian. BRIAN What is it? MANDY Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... BRIAN What? MANDY Well, Brian,... your father isn't Mr. Cohen. BRIAN I never thought he was. MANDY Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army. BRIAN You mean... you were raped? MANDY Well, at first, yes. BRIAN Who was it? MANDY Heh. Nortius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House by the Forum. Slaves. Asses' milk. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having had his way with me... voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct. BRIAN The bastard! MANDY Yeah. So, next time you go on about the 'bloody Romans', don't forget you're one of them. BRIAN I'm not a Roman, Mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it! [slam] MANDY Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, huh? Well, how are you, then, officer? [kneels down in front of him] Scene 7: The PFJ [trumpets] [clap clap clap] ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between... Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Mineburg. BRIAN Want some... VOICE Thank you, fellows. BRIAN Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes. Wolf nipple chips. Get 'em while they're hot. They're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. Tuscany fried bats. JUDITH I do feel, Reg, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base. REG Agreed. Francis? FRANCIS Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man-- STAN Or woman. FRANCIS Or woman... to rid himself-- STAN Or herself. FRANCIS Or herself. REG Agreed. FRANCIS Thank you, brother. STAN Or sister. FRANCIS Or sister. Where was I? REG I think you'd finished. FRANCIS Oh. Right. REG Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man-- STAN Or woman. REG Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off. STAN Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg. FRANCIS Why are you always on about women, Stan? STAN I want to be one. REG What? STAN I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'. REG What?! LORETTA It's my right as a man. JUDITH Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan? LORETTA I want to have babies. REG You want to have babies?! LORETTA It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them. REG But... you can't have babies. LORETTA Don't you oppress me. REG I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?! LORETTA [crying] JUDITH Here! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies. FRANCIS Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry. REG What's the point? FRANCIS What? REG What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?! FRANCIS It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression. REG Symbolic of his struggle against reality. [trumpets] [clap clap clap] GUARD Get out there. BORIS It's, um-- GUARD Get out there. BORIS It's dangerous out there. Ah ah. Ah! Oh. [clap clap clap] [clank] Ooh. [Boris runs away while Goliath attpempts to catch him] CROWD Aaah. Ohh... SPECTATOR What a load of rubbish. BRIAN Larks' tongues. Otters' noses. Ocelot spleens. REG Got any nuts? BRIAN I haven't got any nuts. Sorry. I've got wrens' livers, badgers' spleens-- REG No, no, no. BRIAN Otters' noses? REG I don't want any of that Roman rubbish. JUDITH Why don't you sell proper food? BRIAN Proper food? REG Yeah, not those rich imperialist tit-bits. BRIAN Well, don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this stuff. REG All right. Bag of otters' noses, then. FRANCIS Make it two. REG Two. FRANCIS Thanks, Reg. BRIAN Are you the Judean People's Front? REG Fuck off! BRIAN What? REG Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front. Caw. FRANCIS Wankers. BRIAN Can I... join your group? REG No. Piss off. BRIAN I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody. PEOPLE'S FRONT OF JUDEA Shhhh. Shhhh. Shhh. Shh. Shhhh. REG Stumm. JUDITH Are you sure? BRIAN Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already. REG Listen. If you really wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd have to really hate the Romans. BRIAN I do! REG Oh, yeah? How much? BRIAN A lot! REG Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front. P.F.J. Yeah... JUDITH Splitters. P.F.J. Splitters... FRANCIS And the Judean Popular People's Front. P.F.J. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters... LORETTA And the People's Front of Judea. P.F.J. Yeah. Splitters. Splitters... REG What? LORETTA The People's Front of Judea. Splitters. REG We're the People's Front of Judea! LORETTA Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front. REG People's Front! C-huh. FRANCIS Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg? REG He's over there. P.F.J. Splitter! GOLIATH [pant pant pant] Ooh. Ooh. I-- I think I'm about to have a...cardiac arrest. Ooh. Ooh. SPECTATOR Absolutely dreadful. Hmm. CROWD [cheering] REG Yes, brother! Ha ha. What's your name? BRIAN Brian. Brian Cohen. REG We may have a little job for you, Brian. Scene 8: Palace Wall [scary music, graffiti on wall: Romanes Eunt Domus] CENTURION What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'? BRIAN It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'. CENTURION No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on! BRIAN Aah! CENTURION Come on! BRIAN 'R-- Romanus'? CENTURION Goes like...? BRIAN 'Annus'? CENTURION Vocative plural of 'annus' is...? BRIAN Eh. 'Anni'? CENTURION 'Romani'. 'Eunt'? What is 'eunt'? BRIAN 'Go'. Let-- CENTURION Conjugate the verb 'to go'. BRIAN Uh. 'Ire'. Uh, 'eo'. 'Is'. 'It'. 'Imus'. 'Itis'. 'Eunt'. CENTURION So 'eunt' is...? BRIAN Ah, huh, third person plural, uh, present indicative. Uh, 'they go'. CENTURION But 'Romans, go home' is an order, so you must use the...? BRIAN The... imperative! CENTURION Which is...? BRIAN Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, 'i'. 'I'! CENTURION How many Romans? BRIAN Ah! 'I'-- Plural. Plural. 'Ite'. 'Ite'. CENTURION 'Ite'. BRIAN Ah. Eh. CENTURION 'Domus'? BRIAN Eh. CENTURION Nominative? BRIAN Oh. CENTURION 'Go home'? This is motion towards. Isn't it, boy? BRIAN Ah. Ah, dative, sir! Ahh! No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! Ah! Oh, the... accusative! Accusative! Ah! 'Domum', sir! 'Ad domum'! Ah! Oooh! Ah! CENTURION Except that 'domus' takes the...? BRIAN The locative, sir! CENTURION Which is...?! BRIAN 'Domum'. CENTURION 'Domum'. BRIAN Aaah! Ah. CENTURION 'Um'. Understand? BRIAN Yes, sir. CENTURION Now, write it out a hundred times. BRIAN Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir. CENTURION Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. BRIAN Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm! [next morning] Finished! ROMAN SOLDIER STIG Right. Now don't do it again. [ROMAN SOLDIER'S leave and a group of CENTURIANS realise what he has written, CENTURIONS chase BRIAN] MAN Hey! Bloody Romans. Scene 9: PFJ HQ FRANCIS We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions? COMMANDO XERXES What exactly are the demands? REG We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her. MATTHIAS Cut her head off? FRANCIS Cut all her bits off. Send 'em back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with. REG And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail! COMMANDOS No blackmail! REG They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers. LORETTA And from our fathers' fathers' fathers. REG Yeah. LORETTA And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers. REG Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?! XERXES The aqueduct? REG What? XERXES The aqueduct. REG Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah. COMMANDO #3 And the sanitation. LORETTA Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like? REG Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done. MATTHIAS And the roads. REG Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads-- COMMANDO Irrigation. XERXES Medicine. COMMANDOS Huh? Heh? Huh... COMMANDO #2 Education. COMMANDOS Ohh... REG Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough. COMMANDO #1 And the wine. COMMANDOS Oh, yes. Yeah... FRANCIS Yeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh. COMMANDO Public baths. LORETTA And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg. FRANCIS Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this. COMMANDOS Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. REG All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? XERXES Brought peace. REG Oh. Peace? Shut up! [bashing at the door] MATTHIAS I am a poor man. My sight is poor. My legs are old and bent, and-- JUDITH It's all right, Matthias. MATTHIAS It's all clear. JUDITH Well, where's Reg? FRANCIS Oh, Reg. Reg, it's Judith. REG What went wrong? JUDITH The first blow has been struck! REG Did he finish the slogan? JUDITH A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace! REG Oh, great. Great. We-- we need doers in our movement, Brian, but...before you join us, know this: there is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all. COMMANDO Uhh. Well, one. REG Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one, but otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us? BRIAN Yes! REG From now on, you shall be called 'Brian that is called Brian'. Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis. FRANCIS Right. This is the plan... Scene 10: Pilate's Palace FRANCIS Now, this is the palace in Caesar's Square. Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street, under cover of night, and make our way to the northwestern main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the P.F.J., will be coordinating consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back. BRIAN Aren't you going to come with us? REG Solidarity, brother. BRIAN Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg. FRANCIS Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast, and don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caesar-Augustus memorial sewer and from there, proceed directly to the hypocaust. This has just been re-tiled, so terrorists, careful with those weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber itself. This is the moment for Habbakuk to get out his prong. [chink chink chink] [thuk thuk chink chink chink chink chink] [thump thump thump thump] [PFJ break through floor] [suspenseful music] [heartbeat] CAMPAIGN FOR FREE GALILEE Shhh! Shh. Shhh. Shh. DEADLY DIRK Campaign for Free Galilee. FRANCIS Oh. Uh, People's Front of Judea. Officials. DEADLY DIRK Oh. FRANCIS What's your group doing here? DEADLY DIRK We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands. FRANCIS So are we. DEADLY DIRK What? FRANCIS That's our plan! DEADLY DIRK We were here first! FRANCIS What do you mean?! DEADLY DIRK We thought of it first! WARRIS Oh, yeah? DEADLY DIRK Yes, a couple of years ago! P.F.J. Ha. Heh. Ha ha. DEADLY DIRK We did! FRANCIS Okay, c-- co-- come on. You got all your demands worked out, then? DEADLY DIRK 'Course we have. FRANCIS What are they? DEADLY DIRK Well, I'm not telling you. P.F.J. Aghhh... FRANCIS Oh, come on. Pull the other one. P.F.J. Shh! DEADLY DIRK That's not the point! We thought of it before you! WARRIS Did not. DEADLY DIRK We did! FRANCIS You didn't. C.F.G. We bloody did! BRIAN Shhhh! P.F.J. Shhhhh! Shh. DEADLY DIRK You bastards! We've been planning this for months. FRANCIS Well, tough titty for you, Fish Face. Oh! Oh. RANDOM All right. WARRIS Clever. You sly... BRIAN Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together! FRANCIS We are! Ohh. BRIAN We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common enemy! EVERYONE The Judean People's Front?! BRIAN No, no! The Romans! EVERYONE Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. FRANCIS Yeah. He's right. RANDOM Look out! RANDOM Careful. [Roman Soldier walks by] [clop clop clop clop clop clop clop] DEADLY DIRK Right! Where were we? FRANCIS Uhh, you were going to punch me. DEADLY DIRK Oh, yeah. [C.F.G. and P.F.J. fight] BRIAN Brothers! [whop] Oof! Scene 11: Prison VOICE Huo! [whip] [Screams and moans] [clank] [whump] BRIAN Eh. [shoved in cell] [clank] JAILER Eh, heh heh ha, ptoo [spits in Brian's face] BRIAN Aah! Eh. JAILER Eh, heh heh. [cough cough cough cough cough] BEN You lucky bastard. BRIAN Who's that? BEN You lucky, lucky bastard. BRIAN What? BEN Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we? BRIAN What do you mean? BEN You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh? BRIAN Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face! BEN Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face. BRIAN Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles! BEN Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles... just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny. BRIAN Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time! BEN You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They only hung me the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou-- BRIAN All right. All right. BEN They must think you're Lord God Almighty. BRIAN What will they do to me? BEN Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion. BRIAN Crucifixion?! BEN Yeah, first offence. BRIAN Get away with crucifixion?! It's-- BEN Best thing the Romans ever did for us. BRIAN What?! BEN Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a right bloody mess. BRIAN Guards! BEN Nail him up, I say! BRIAN Guards! BEN Nail some sense into him! JAILER [cough cough] What do you want? BRIAN I want you to move me to another cell. JAILER Ha! Ptoo! [spits in Brian's face again] BRIAN Aah! BEN Oh, look at that! Bloody favouritism! JAILER Shut up, you! BEN Sorry! JAILER Huhh. [cough cough] BEN Now, take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair, in view of what I done, and, if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me... that you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's pay! BRIAN Oh, shut up! [clank] JAILER Ehhh. CENTURION Pilate wants to see you! BRIAN Me? CENTURION Come on! BRIAN Pilate? What does he want to see me for? CENTURION I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified. BEN Oh, ha ha ha haa! Ha haa! Nice one, Centurion. Like it. Like it. CENTURION Shut up! BEN Right. Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific. Scene 12: Pilate's Chamber [trumpets] PONTIUS PILATE ...Make one large living awea. Ahh. CENTURION Hail Caesar. PILATE Hail. CENTURION Only one survivor, sir. PILATE Ah. Thwow him to the floor. CENTURION What, sir? PILATE Thwow him to the floor. CENTURION Ah. [whump] BRIAN Aagh! PILATE Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew? BRIAN 'Brian', sir. PILATE 'Bwian', eh? BRIAN No, no. 'Brian'. [slap] Aah! PILATE Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit. CENTURION Has what, sir? PILATE Spiwit. CENTURION Yes. He did, sir. PILATE No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do. CENTURION Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir. PILATE So, you dare to waid us. BRIAN To what, sir? PILATE Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly! [slap] BRIAN Aaah! CENTURION Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir? PILATE What? CENTURION Thwow him to the floor again, sir? PILATE Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please. BRIAN Aah! [whump] PILATE Now, Jewish wapscallion. BRIAN I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman. PILATE A Woman? BRIAN No, no. Roman. [slap] Aah! PILATE So, your father was a Woman. Who was he? BRIAN He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons. PILATE Weally? What was his name? BRIAN 'Nortius Maximus'. CENTURION Ahh, ha ha! PILATE Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison? CENTURION Well, no, sir. PILATE Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked? CENTURION Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir,... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir. GUARD #4 [chuckling] PILATE What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'? CENTURION Well, it's a joke name, sir. PILATE I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'. GUARD #4 [chuckling] PILATE Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that. BRIAN Can I go now, sir? [slap] Aaah! Eh. PILATE Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this. GUARD #4 [chuckling] PILATE Wight! Take him away! CENTURION Oh, sir, he-- he only-- PILATE No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week. CENTURION Yes, sir. Come on, you. [takes gaurd] GUARD #4 Ha ha haa ha, ha ha ha. Hooo hooo hoo hoo. Hoo hoo... PILATE I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus... GUARD #1 [straining not to laugh] PILATE ...Dickus? GUARD #1 [straining not to laugh] PILATE What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name...'Biggus'... GUARD #3 [chuckle] PILATE ...'Dickus'? GUARD #1 and GUARD #2 [chuckling] PILATE He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'. GUARDS [laughing] PILATE Stop! What is all this? GUARDS Ha, ha ha ha ha ha... [by this time Bwian has wun away] PILATE I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not-- Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him! Scene 13: Spaceship [thud thud] WORKMAN Hmm? Oh. [whistling] BRIAN Aaaaaaah! [woosh] ALIEN #1 Aggz. ALIEN #2 Rozak kaibak. [siren] ALIENS Agk! Grohtch. Ak! [whizz whizz whizz whizz whizz whizz whizz] [screeeech] [crash] [whizz whizz whizz whizz whizz whizz whizz whizz whizz] [boom] [zoooom] [CRASH] PASSER-BY Ooh, you lucky bastard. Scene 14: Harry the Haggler Part II: The Return BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET ...And the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah... FALSE PROPHET ...For the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. Nine-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will... BORING PROPHET ...Obadiah, his servants. There shall, in that time, be rumours of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi-- with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that, in that time, shall the third one... BRIAN How much? Quick. HARRY THE HAGGLER What? BRIAN It's for the wife. HARRY THE HAGGLER Oh. Uhhh, twenty shekels. BRIAN Right. HARRY THE HAGGLER What? BRIAN There you are. HARRY THE HAGGLER Wait a minute. BRIAN What? HARRY THE HAGGLER Well, we're-- we're supposed to haggle. BRIAN No, no. I've got to get-- HARRY THE HAGGLER What do you mean, 'no, no, no'? BRIAN I haven't time. I've got-- HARRY THE HAGGLER Well, give it back, then. BRIAN No, no, no. I just paid you. HARRY THE HAGGLER Burt! BURT Yeah? HARRY THE HAGGLER This bloke won't haggle. BURT Won't haggle?! BRIAN All right. Do we have to? HARRY THE HAGGLER Now, look. I want twenty for that. BRIAN I-- I just gave you twenty. HARRY THE HAGGLER Now, are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels? BRIAN No. HARRY THE HAGGLER Look at it. Feel the quality. That's none of your goat. BRIAN All right. I'll give you nineteen then. HARRY THE HAGGLER No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly. BRIAN What? HARRY THE HAGGLER Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen. BRIAN Well, you just said it was worth twenty. HARRY THE HAGGLER Ohh, dear. Ohh, dear. Come on. Haggle. BRIAN Huh. All right. I'll give you ten. HARRY THE HAGGLER That's more like it. Ten?! Are you trying to insult me?! Me, with a poor dying grandmother?! Ten?! BRIAN All right. I'll give you eleven. HARRY THE HAGGLER Now you're gettin' it. Eleven?! Did I hear you right?! Eleven?! This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me?! BRIAN Seventeen? HARRY THE HAGGLER No, no, no, no. Seventeen. BRIAN Eighteen? HARRY THE HAGGLER No, no. You go to fourteen now. BRIAN All right. I'll give you fourteen. HARRY THE HAGGLER Fourteen?! Are you joking?! BRIAN That's what you told me to say. HARRY THE HAGGLER Ohh, dear. BRIAN Ohh, tell me what to say. Please! HARRY THE HAGGLER Offer me fourteen. BRIAN I'll give you fourteen. HARRY THE HAGGLER He's offering me fourteen for this! BRIAN Fifteen! HARRY THE HAGGLER Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead. BRIAN Sixteen. HARRY THE HAGGLER Done. Nice to do business with you. BRIAN Huh. HARRY THE HAGGLER Tell you what. I'll throw you in this as well. BRIAN I don't want it, but thanks. HARRY THE HAGGLER Burt! BURT Yeah? BRIAN All right! All right! All right! HARRY THE HAGGLER Now, where's the sixteen you owe me? BRIAN I just gave you twenty. HARRY THE HAGGLER Oh, yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you, then. BRIAN Well, that's all right. That's fine. That's fine. HARRY THE HAGGLER No. Hang on. I've got it here somewhere. BRIAN That's all right. That's four for the gourd. HARRY THE HAGGLER Four? For this gourd? Four?! Look at it. It's worth ten if it's worth a shekel. BRIAN But you just gave it to me for nothing. HARRY THE HAGGLER Yes, but it's worth ten! BRIAN All right. All right. HARRY THE HAGGLER No, no, no, no. It's not worth ten. You're supposed to argue, 'Ten for that? You must be mad!' Ohh, well. [sniff] One born every minute. Scene 15: PFJ HQ Revisted REG Daniel. LORETTA Daniel. FRANCIS Job. REG Job. LORETTA Job. FRANCIS Joshua. REG Joshua. LORETTA Joshua. FRANCIS Judges. REG Judges. LORETTA Judges. FRANCIS And Brian. REG And Brian. LORETTA And Brian. REG I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause. LORETTA I second that, Reg. REG Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings! [thump] Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning! Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a-- MATTHIAS Look out! BRIAN [entering] Hello? Matthias! Reg! REG Go away! BRIAN Hm? Reg, it's me, Brian! REG Get off! Get off out of it! BRIAN Stan! LORETTA Piss off. COMMANDO Yeah, piss off! REG Bugger off. [bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam] Ohh,... [bam bam bam bam bam] ...shit! [bam] BRIAN Uhh. MATTHIAS Coming! [bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam] [bam bam bam bam bam bam] [brian hides on the rickety wooden balcony outside, above the boring prophet] BORING PROPHET Yea, verily, at that time, it is written in the book of Obadiah. A man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey and anyone... [balcony starts to break] [crack] ...in the vicinity... [creak crack] ...of his nephew or the donkey. MATTHIAS My eyes are dim. I cannot see. CENTURION Are you Matthias? MATTHIAS Yes. CENTURION We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation, the 'People's Front of Judea'. MATTHIAS Me? No. I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for law- breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent. CENTURION Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house. [clomp clomp clomp...] You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal? MATTHIAS No. CENTURION Crucifixion. MATTHIAS Oh. CENTURION Nasty, eh? MATTHIAS Hm. Could be worse. CENTURION What do you mean, 'could be worse'? MATTHIAS Well, you could be stabbed. CENTURION Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours! It's a slow, horrible death! MATTHIAS Well, at least it gets you out in the open air. CENTURION You're weird. [clomp clomp clomp...] SERGEANT No, sir. Couldn't find anything, sir. CENTURION But don't worry! You've not seen the last of us, weirdo. MATTHIAS Big Nose. CENTURION Watch it. MATTHIAS Phew, that was lucky. [brian re-enters the room] BRIAN I'm sorry, Reg. REG Ohhh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's all right, then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. You klutz! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed-- [bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam] [brian goes out to the balcony again] [creak crack] BORING PROPHET ...this great, big, juicy melon behind. [bam bam bam bam bam bam] MATTHIAS My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes? CENTURION There's one place we didn't look. Guards! MATTHIAS I'm just a poor old man. [clomp clomp clomp...] My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is knackered. CENTURION Have you ever seen anyone crucified? MATTHIAS Crucifixion's a doddle. CENTURION Don't keep saying that. [clomp clomp clomp...] SERGEANT Found this spoon, sir. CENTURION Well done, Sergeant! We'll be back, oddball. [bam bam bam bam bam] Open up! MATTHIAS You haven't given us time to hide. [crack crack craaaaack] BRIAN Aaaaah! Scene 16: Brian the Prophet BORING PROPHET ...The nephew or the donkey. [brian lands on him] Wha! Woooah! [fwump] [clap clap clap] FALSE PROPHET ...And, a nine-bladed sword, which he shall strike... BLOOD & THUNDER PROPHET ...Time when we all come together, and go... PROPHET IN WHITE ...And holes for the... PROPHET IN BLACK ...Jumbo jets... PROPHET IN WHITE ...every bitch how you got germs from... PROPHET IN BLACK ...fly up near the... BRIAN [pretending to be a prophet to avoid the Romans] Don't you, eh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself. COLIN What? BRIAN I said, 'Don't pass judgment on other people, or else you might get judged, too.' COLIN Who, me? BRIAN Yes. COLIN Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much. BRIAN Well, not just you. All of you. DENNIS That's a nice gourd. BRIAN What? DENNIS How much do you want for the gourd? BRIAN I don't. You can have it. DENNIS Have it? BRIAN Yes. Consider the lilies... DENNIS Eh, d-- d-- don't you want to haggle? BRIAN No. ...in the field. DENNIS What's wrong with it, then? BRIAN Nothing. Take it. ELSIE Consider the lilies? BRIAN Uh, well, the birds, then. EDDIE What birds? BRIAN Any birds. EDDIE Why? BRIAN Well, have they got jobs? ARTHUR Who? BRIAN The birds. EDDIE Have the birds got jobs?! FRANK What's the matter with him? ARTHUR He says the birds are scrounging. BRIAN Oh, uhh, no, the point is the birds. They do all right. Don't they? FRANK Well, good luck to 'em. EDDIE Yeah. They're very pretty. BRIAN Okay, and you're much more important than they are, right? So, what are you worrying about? There you are. See? EDDIE I'm worrying about what you have got against birds. BRIAN I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies. ARTHUR He's having a go at the flowers now. EDDIE Oh, give the flowers a chance. DENNIS I'll give you one for it. BRIAN It's yours. DENNIS Two, then. BRIAN Ohh. Look. There was this man, and he had two servants. ARTHUR What were they called? BRIAN What? ARTHUR What were their names? BRIAN I don't know. And he gave them some talents. EDDIE You don't know?! BRIAN Well, it doesn't matter! ARTHUR He doesn't know what they were called! BRIAN Oh, they were called 'Simon' and 'Adrian'. Now-- ARTHUR Oh! You said you didn't know! BRIAN It really doesn't matter. The point is there were these two servants-- ARTHUR He's making it up as he goes along. BRIAN No, I'm not! ...And he gave them some ta-- Wait a minute. Were there three? ARTHUR Ohh. EDDIE Oh, he's terrible! ARTHUR He's terrible. BRIAN There were three. ARTHUR Thpppt! BRIAN They were-- they were st-- stewards, really. ELSIE Aww, get off! BRIAN Ooh! Eh, uh, b-- b-- now-- now hear this! Blessed are they... DENNIS Three. BRIAN ...who convert their neighbour's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth,... MAN Rubbish! BRIAN ...and to them only shall be given-- to them only... shall... be... given... [sees romans leaving] ELSIE What? BRIAN Hmm? ELSIE Shall be given what? BRIAN Oh, nothing. ELSIE Hey! What were you going to say? BRIAN Nothing. ARTHUR and FRANK Yes, you were. ELSIE Yes. You were going to say something. BRIAN No, I wasn't. I'd finished. ELSIE Oh, no you weren't. ARTHUR Oh, come on. Tell us before you go. BRIAN I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished. ELSIE No, you hadn't. BLIND MAN What won't he tell? EDDIE He won't say. BLIND MAN Is it a secret? BRIAN No. BLIND MAN Is it? EDDIE Must be. Otherwise, he'd tell us. ARTHUR Oh, tell us the secret. BRIAN Leave me alone. YOUTH What is this secret? GIRL Is it the secret of eternal life? EDDIE He won't say! ARTHUR Well, of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say. YOUTH No. BRIAN Leave me alone. GIRL Just tell me, please. ARTHUR No. Tell us, Master. We were here first. DENNIS Five. BRIAN Ah! GIRL Just tell-- BRIAN Go away! GIRL Tell us, Master. DENNIS I can't go above five. GIRL Tell-- Is that His gourd? YOUTH We've got this here. DENNIS Yeah, but it's under offer. GIRL This is His gourd! DENNIS Ten! GIRL It is His gourd! We will carry it for you, Master! Master? YOUTH He's gone! He's been taken up! GIRL Hhhh! FOLLOWERS For He's been taken up! DENNIS Eighteen! ARTHUR No, there He is. Over there. FOLLOWERS Oh, yeah. Master! Master!... [FOLLOWERS chase BRIAN] Scene 17: Followers [holy music] FOLLOWERS Oh! Oh! Ohh! Oh! Ah! Oh! ARTHUR He has given us a sign! FOLLOWER Oh! SHOE FOLLOWER He has given us... His shoe! ARTHUR The shoe is the sign. Let us follow His example. SPIKE What? ARTHUR Let us, like Him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, for this is His sign, that all who follow Him shall do likewise. EDDIE Yes. SHOE FOLLOWER No, no, no. The shoe is... YOUTH No. SHOE FOLLOWER ...a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance. GIRL Cast off... SPIKE Aye. What? GIRL ...the shoes! Follow the Gourd! SHOE FOLLOWER No! Let us gather shoes together! FRANK Yes. SHOE FOLLOWER Let me! ELSIE Oh, get off! YOUTH No, no! It is a sign that, like Him, we must think not of the things of the body, but of the face and head! SHOE FOLLOWER Give me your shoe! YOUTH Get off! GIRL Follow the Gourd! The Holy Gourd of Jerusalem! FOLLOWER The Gourd! HARRY Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us! ARTHUR It is a shoe! It is a shoe! HARRY It's a sandal! ARTHUR No, it isn't! GIRL Cast it away! ARTHUR Put it on! YOUTH And clear off! SHOE FOLLOWER Take the shoes and follow Him! GIRL Come,... FRANK Yes! GIRL ...all ye who call yourself Gourdenes! [they all move off leaving spike behind] SPIKE Stop! Stop! Stop, I say! Stop! Let us-- let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like the seed to the grain. [looks around] Oh! Scene 18: Simon the Holyman [holy music] FOLLOWERS Master! Master!... BRIAN [seeing man simon in hole] Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river? SIMON THE HOLY MAN Mmmmmmm. BRIAN Please! Please help me! I've got to get-- SIMON Mm. [brian falls in the hole and lands on simon's foot] Oh, my foot! Oh! BRIAN Shhhh. SIMON Oh, damn, damn, damn! BRIAN Well, I'm sorry. Shhh. SIMON Oh, damn, damn, and blast it! BRIAN I'm sorry. Shhhh! SIMON Don't you 'shhhh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you 'shhhh' me! BRIAN What? SIMON I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips. BRIAN Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five minutes? SIMON Oh, it doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout and sing and... BRIAN Shhhh. SIMON ...scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive! BRIAN Shhh. SIMON [singing] Hava Nagila! BRIAN Shhh. SIMON Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm alive! Hava Nagila. Hava the relinq-- FOLLOWERS Master! The Master! Master! Master!... SHOE FOLLOWER The Master! Aha. He is here! FRANK Master! FOLLOWERS The shoe!... ARTHUR The shoe has brought us here! ARTHUR and HARRY Speak! FOLLOWERS Shhhhh! ARTHUR and HARRY Speak to us, Master! Speak to us! BRIAN Go away! FOLLOWERS A blessing! A blessing! ARTHUR How shall we go away, Master?! BRIAN Oh, just go away! Leave me alone! SHOE FOLLOWER Give us a sign! ARTHUR He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this place! BRIAN I didn't bring you here! You just followed me! SHOE FOLLOWER Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard. ARTHUR Master! Your people have walked many miles to be with You! They are weary and have not eaten. BRIAN It's not my fault they haven't eaten! ARTHUR There is no food in this high mountain! BRIAN Well, what about the juniper bushes over there? FOLLOWERS Hhhh! A miracle! A miracle! Ohh!... SHOE FOLLOWER He has made the bush fruitful by His words. YOUTH They have brought forth juniper berries. BRIAN Of course they've brought forth juniper berries! They're juniper bushes! What do you expect?! ELSIE Show us another miracle! ARTHUR Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?! SIMON I say, those are my juniper bushes. ARTHUR They are a gift from God! SIMON They're all I've bloody got to eat. Uhm. I say, get off those bushes! Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. Go on. HARRY Lord! I am affected by a bald patch. BLIND MAN I am healed! The Master has healed me! BRIAN I didn't touch him! BLIND MAN I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh! [falls in hole] FOLLOWERS A miracle! A miracle! A miracle! SIMON Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years till he came along. FOLLOWERS A miracle! He is the Messiah! SIMON Well, he hurt my foot! FOLLOWERS Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt my foot. Hurt mine... ARTHUR Hail Messiah! BRIAN I'm not the Messiah! ARTHUR I say You are, Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few. FOLLOWERS Hail Messiah! BRIAN I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly! GIRL Only the true Messiah denies His divinity. BRIAN What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah! FOLLOWERS He is! He is the Messiah! BRIAN Now, fuck off! [stunned silence] ARTHUR How shall we fuck off, O Lord? BRIAN Oh, just go away! Leave me alone. SIMON You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes! BRIAN Oh, lay off! ARTHUR This is the Messiah, the Chosen One! SIMON No, he's not. BRIAN Aaaagh! ARTHUR An unbeliever! FOLLOWERS An unbeliever! ARTHUR Persecute! Kill the heretic! [they pick up simon and carry him away] FOLLOWERS Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!... BRIAN Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please! JUDITH Brian? BRIAN Judith? Scene 19: Brian's House [brian wakes up naked next to judith, he gets up, walks to the window, and opens the shutter, exposing himself to all] FOLLOWERS Look! There he is! The Chosen One has woken! [slams shutter closed] [bam bam bam bam] MANDY Brian! [bam bam bam bam bam] BRIAN Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha-- MANDY Brian! BRIAN Hang on, mother! Shhh. [clllunk] Hello, mother. MANDY Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there?! BRIAN Oh. Well-- well, I, uh-- MANDY Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?! BRIAN Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something. MANDY 'Popped by'?! 'Swarmed by', more like! There's a multitude out there! BRIAN Mm, they-- they started following me yesterday. MANDY Well, they can stop following you right now. [opens shutter and addresses followers] Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves. FOLLOWERS The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah! MANDY The who? FOLLOWERS The Messiah! MANDY Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away! FOLLOWERS Brian! Brian! MANDY Right, my lad. What have you been up to? BRIAN Nothing, Mum. Um-- MANDY Come on. Out with it. BRIAN Well, they think I'm the Messiah, Mum. [smack] MANDY Now, what have you been telling them? BRIAN Nothing! I only-- MANDY You're only making it worse for yourself. BRIAN Look! I can explain! I-- [smack] JUDITH [entering naked] No! Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen! MANDY Who-- JUDITH Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give them hope-- hope of a new life, a new world, a better future! MANDY Who's that?! BRIAN Oh! That's... Judith, Mum. Judith. Mother. Hmm. [smack] Aaaah! FOLLOWERS The Messiah! The Messiah! MANDY Ooooh. FOLLOWERS Show us the Messiah! The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah! MANDY Now, you listen here! He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away! FOLLOWERS Who are you?! MANDY I'm his mother. That's who. FOLLOWERS Behold His mother! Behold His mother! Hail to thee, mother of Brian! Blessed art thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee, now and always! MANDY Ohhh, now, don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now, shove off! FOLLOWERS No! MANDY Did you hear what I said? FOLLOWERS Yes! MANDY Oh, I see. It-- it's like that, is it? FOLLOWERS Yes! MANDY Ohh. Oh, all right, then. You can see him for one minute, but not one second more. Do you understand? FOLLOWERS Yes. MANDY Promise? FOLLOWERS Well, all right. MANDY All right. Here he is, then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them. BRIAN But, Mum. Judith. MANDY Now, leave that Welsh tart alone. BRIAN But I don't really want to, Mum. FOLLOWERS Brian! Brian! Brian!... BRIAN Good morning. FOLLOWERS A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!... BRIAN No. No, please! Please! Please listen. I've got one or two things to say. FOLLOWERS Tell us. Tell us both of them. BRIAN Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals! FOLLOWERS Yes, we're all individuals! BRIAN You're all different! FOLLOWERS Yes, we are all different! DENNIS I'm not. ARTHUR Shhhh. FOLLOWERS Shh. Shhhh. Shhh. BRIAN You've all got to work it out for yourselves! FOLLOWERS Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves! BRIAN Exactly! FOLLOWERS Tell us more! BRIAN No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise-- Ow! No! MANDY Come on, Brian. That's enough. That's enough. FOLLOWERS Oooooh. That wasn't a minute! MANDY Oh, yes, it was. FOLLOWERS Oh, no, it wasn't! MANDY Now, stop that, and go away! YOUTH Excuse me. MANDY Yes? YOUTH Are you a virgin? MANDY I beg your pardon! YOUTH Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? MANDY 'If it's not a personal question'? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off! [slams shutter] YOUTH She is. FOLLOWERS Yeah. Must be. She is. Definitely... [a few minutes later brian leaves through the front door] CROWD Ooh. Oh! Oooh... REG 'Morning, Saviour. CROWD [yelling] WOMAN Lay Your hands on me. Quick! FRANCIS Now, don't jostle the Chosen One, please. BABY [crying] REG Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face. You've got till later. GREGORY I say. I say, could He just see my wife? She has a headache. REG She'll have to wait, I'm afraid. GREGORY It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment. REG Look, the lepers are queuing. REGORY Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath, you know. REG Uh, Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the Mounts on Sunday? MR. PAPADOPOULOS Hello. FRANCIS Don't push! REG And keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit, can't you? Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes. Um, women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you? JUDITH Brian? Brian, you were fantastic! BRIAN You weren't so bad yourself. JUDITH No, what you said just now-- it was quite extraordinary. BRIAN What? Oh, that. Was it? JUDITH We don't need any leaders. You're so right. Reg has been dominating us for too long. BRIAN Well, yes. JUDITH It needed saying, and you said it, Brian. BRIAN You're... very attractive. JUDITH It's our revolution! We can all do it together! BRIAN I think-- I think-- JUDITH We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands! BRIAN What? No! That's not what I meant at all! CENTURION You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right. [whap whap whap whap whap] [smack] Stop it. Scene 20: Pilate's Chamber [whump] BRIAN Aah. PILATE Well, Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money. BRIAN A what? [slap] Aaagh. PILATE This time, I guawantee you will not escape. Guard, do we have any cwucifixions today? GUARD #1 A hundred and thirty-nine, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir. PILATE Wight. Now we have a hundwed and forty. Nice wound number, eh, Biggus? BIGGUS DICKUS Hm hm hm hm hm. CENTURION Hail Caesar! PILATE Hail. CENTURION The crowd outside is getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse them, please. PILATE Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet. CENTURION Ah, no. I know sir, but-- PILATE My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover. My fwiend, Biggus Dickus, has come all the way fwom Wome just to hear it. CENTURION Hail Caesar. BIGGUS Hail Thaethar! CENTURION You're not-- ah, you're not, uh, thinking o-- of giving it a miss this year, then, sir? PILATE Give it a miss? CENTURION Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir. PILATE Weally, Centuwion? I'm surpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels. CENTURION A... bit thundery, sir. PILATE Take him away. BRIAN I'm a Roman! I-- I can prove it, honestly! PILATE And cwucify him well! Biggus. CENTURION Ah, I-- I really wouldn't, sir. PILATE Out of the way, Centuwion. BIGGUS Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith. Scene 21: PFJ HQ REG Right. Now, uh, item four: attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Uh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this. FRANCIS Yeah. Thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the next twelve months. REG Twelve months? FRANCIS Yeah, twelve months. And, let's face it. As empires go, this is the big one, so we've got to get up off our arses and stop just talking about it! COMMANDOS Hear! Hear! LORETTA I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now. COMMANDOS Hear! Hear! REG You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches. It's not going to shift one Roman soldier! FRANCIS So, let's just stop gabbing on about it. It's completely pointless and it's getting us nowhere! COMMANDOS Right! LORETTA I agree. This is a complete waste of time. [bam] JUDITH [entering] They've arrested Brian! REG What? COMMANDOS What? JUDITH They've dragged him off! They're going to crucify him! REG Right! This calls for immediate discussion! COMMANDO #1 Yeah. JUDITH What?! COMMANDO #2 Immediate. COMMANDO #1 Right. LORETTA New motion? REG Completely new motion, eh, that, ah-- that there be, ah, immediate action-- FRANCIS Ah, once the vote has been taken. REG Well, obviously once the vote's been taken. You can't act another resolution till you've voted on it... JUDITH Reg, for God's sake, let's go now! REG Yeah. Yeah. JUDITH Please! REG Right. Right. FRANCIS Fine. REG In the-- in the light of fresh information from, ahh, sibling Judith-- LORETTA Ah, not so fast, Reg. JUDITH Reg, for God's sake, it's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is to go out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans' nailing him up! It's happening, Reg! Something's actually happening, Reg! Can't you understand?! Ohhh! [slam] REG Hm. Hm. FRANCIS Oh, dear. REG Hello. Another little ego trip for the feminists. LORETTA What? FRANCIS [whistling] REG Oh, sorry, Loretta. Ahh, oh, read that back, would you? Scene 22: Jails NISUS WETTUS Next. Crucifixion? PRISONER #1 Yes. NISUS Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion? PRISONER #2 Yes. NISUS Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion? MR. CHEEKY Ah, no. Freedom. JAILER Hmm? NISUS What? MR. CHEEKY Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free and live on an island somewhere. NISUS Oh. Oh, well, that's jolly good. Well, off you go, then. MR. CHEEKY Naa, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion, really. NISUS Oh, ho ho. MR. CHEEKY Heh heh heh hehh. NISUS I see. Uh, very good. Very good. Well, out of the door. One-- MR. CHEEKY Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door. NISUS Line on-- MR. CHEEKY One cross each. Line on the left. NISUS Line on the left. MR. CHEEKY Heh heh. NISUS Yes. Thank you. Crucifixion? PRISONER #4 Yes. NISUS Good. Scene 23: Pilate Addresses the crowd [trumpets] CROWD [cheering] PILATE People of Jewusalem! CROWD [chuckling] PILATE Wome is your fwiend. CROWD [laughing] PILATE To pwove our fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdoer fwom our pwisons. CROWD [laughing] GUARD #3 [chuckling] PILATE Whom would you have me welease? BOB HOSKINS Welease Woger! CROWD Yes! Welease Woger! Welease Woger! [laughing] PILATE Vewy well. I shall welease Woger! CROWD [cheering] CENTURION Sir, uh, we don't have a 'Woger', sir. PILATE What? CENTURION Uh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir. PILATE Ah. We have no 'Woger'! CROWD Ohhhhh! BOB Well, what about Wodewick, then? CROWD Yes! Welease Wodewick! Welease Wodewick! PILATE Centuwion, why do they titter so? CENTURION Just some, uh, Jewish joke, sir. PILATE Are they... wagging me? CENTURION Oh, no, sir! GUARD #3 [chuckling] PILATE Vewy well. I shall welease... Wodewick! CROWD [laughing] CENTURION Sir, we don't have a 'Roderick' either. PILATE No 'Woger'? No 'Wodewick'? CENTURION Sorry, sir. PILATE Who is this 'Wod'-- GUARD #1 [chuckle] PILATE Who is the 'Wodewick' to whom you wefer? BOB He's a wobber! CROWD [laughing] MAN And a wapist! CROWD [laughing] WOMAN And a pickpocket! CROWD Yeah! Ahh, no! No! Shh! Shh!... PILATE He sounds a notowious cwiminal. CENTURION We haven't got him, sir. Mm hm. PILATE Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all? CENTURION Oh, yes, sir. We've got, uh, 'Samson', sir. PILATE Samson? CENTURION Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir. Uh, Silus the Syrian Assassin. Uh, several seditious scribes from Caesarea. Uhhh, sixty- seven seers from-- BIGGUS Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth! CENTURION Oh, no. Oh. PILATE Ah. Good idea, Biggus. BIGGUS Thitizens! We have Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtrangler, Thilus... CROWD [laughing] BIGGUS ...the Athyrian Athathin, theveral theditiouth thcribth from Thaetharea, and... Scene 24: Jails NISUS Next. Hhh, crucifixion? ALFONSO Yes. NISUS Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Jailer? BRIAN Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake. NISUS Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come through? JAILER What? NISUS Uh, how many have come through? JAILER What? JAILER'S ASSISTANT Uh, y-- y-- y-- y-- y-- you'll have to s-- speak-- s-- s-- s-- sp-- spe-- speak-- speak-- s-- spe-- s-- s-- p-- p-- peak-- speak up a bit, sir. He's-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d-- NISUS Ah. JAILER'S ASSISTANT Oh, he's-- he's-- [whap] He's deaf as-- dea-- deaf as a p-- p-- post, sir. NISUS Uhh, how many have come through?! JAILER Hhhee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. NISUS Oh, dear. JAILER Hee huh. JAILER'S ASSISTANT I make it ninety-fff--... NISUS Ah. JAILER'S ASSISTANT ninety-fff-- ninety-fffff-- ninety-six, sir. NISUS Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it? JAILER'S ASSISTANT N-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no, sir. N-- not-- not with these b-- bastards, sir. C-- cr-- rrrr-- c-- c-- crrr-- c-- c-- c-- crrrrucifixion's too good for 'em, sir. NISUS I don't think you can say it's too good for them. It's-- it's very nasty. JAILER'S ASSISTANT Well, it's not as n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- n-- no-- no-- no-- not as n-- nasty as something I just thought up, sir. NISUS No. JAILER Hm? NISUS Now, um, crucifixion? BRIAN Is there someone I can speak to? NISUS Well-- JAILER I know where to get it, if you want it. NISUS What? JAILER'S ASSISTANT Uh, d-- don't-- don't worry about hi-- him, sir. He's de-- he's de-- [whap] He's de-- de-- de-- he's deaf and m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- m-- mad, sir. NISUS How did he get the job? JAILER'S ASSISTANT Bloody Pilate's pet, sir. JAILER Heh heh. MR. CHEEKY Get a move on, Big Nose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah. BRIAN Could I see a lawyer or someone? NISUS Um, do-- do you have a lawyer? BRIAN No, but I'm a Roman. MR. CHEEKY How about a re-trial? We've got plenty o' time. PARVUS Shut up, you! MR. CHEEKY Miserable, bloody Romans. No sense of humour. [whump] Oooh. NISUS I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out? Line on the left. One cross each. Now... Scene 25: Biggus addressing the crowd CROWD [rolling about laughing] BIGGUS Wath it thomething I thaid? CROWD [laughing] PILATE Silence! WOMAN Huh huh huh huh huh! PILATE This man commands a cwack legion! CROWD [laughing] PILATE He wanks as high as any in Wome! CROWD [laughing] Scene 26: Street Procession NISUS Mhmm. Crucifixion party. 'Morning. Now, we will be on a show as we go through the town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good, straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good, steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and, if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam,... ALFONSO Ohhh. NISUS ...you'll be there in no time. ALFONSO Ohhh. NISUS Heh. ALFONSO Ooh. NISUS All right, Centurion. PARVUS Crucifixion party! Wait for it. ALFONSO Ooh. PARVUS Crucifixion party, by the left! Forward! BEN [shouting from cell] You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards! ALFONSO Ohh. Ohh. Ohh. Oh. Oh. SAINTLY PASSER-BY Let me shoulder your burden, brother. Uh. ALFONSO Oh, thank you. [runs off] SAINTLY PASSER-BY Uh. H-- hey! PARVUS Oh, hey! What d'you think you're doing? SAINTLY PASSER-BY Ah, i-- it's not my cross. PARVUS Shut up and get on with it! MR. CHEEKY Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He had you there, mate. Didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Scene 27: Back at Pilate's PILATE All wight. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear no 'Weuben's, no 'Weginald's, no 'Wudolph the Wed-nosed Weindeer's,... BIGGUS No 'Thpenther Trathy'th! PILATE ...or we shall welease no one! JUDITH Release Brian! BOB Oh, yeah. That's a good one. MAN Yeah. BOB Welease Bwian! CROWD Welease Bwian! Welease Bwian! [laughing] PILATE Vewy well. That's it. CENTURION Sir, we, uh-- we have got a 'Brian', sir. PILATE What? CENTURION Well, you just sent him for crucifixion, sir. PILATE Uh. Ah, wait! Wait! We do have a 'Bwian'! Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away. CENTURION Yes, sir. Yes, sir. PILATE Vewy well! I shall... welease... Bwian! Scene 28: Procession PARVUS Get a move on, there! MR. CHEEKY Or what? PARVUS Or you'll be in trouble. MR. CHEEKY Oh, dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons? PARVUS Shut up! MR. CHEEKY That would be a blow. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have nothing to do. Ohh, thank you. Scene 29: Jails CENTURION Where have they gone?! JAILER We've-- we've got lumps of it 'round the back. CENTURION What? JAILER'S ASSISTANT Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's ma-- he's m-- he's ma-- he-- he-- he's m-- m-- m-- he's m-- he's m-- [clop] He's mad, sir. CENTURION Have they gone?! JAILER'S ASSISTANT Oh, ye-- nnnnn-- Ay, n-- na-- JAILER Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh. JAILER'S ASSISTANT Na-- na-- JAILER Heh. Heh. Heh heh... JAILER'S ASSISTANT Na-- na-- na-- na-- n-- CENTURION Oh, come on! JAILER'S ASSISTANT N-- nnnyes, sir. [centurian leaves] Eh, huh. Anyway, get on with the story. JAILER Well, I knew she never really liked him, so I kiss-- Scene 30: PFJ HQ [thump] REG Right. That's the motion to get on with it, passed with, uh, one abstention. I now propose that we go without further ado. May I have a seconder for... FRANCIS Let's just go. REG Yeah, all right. Scene 31: A Green Hill far away MAN Oh, no. BEGGAR Oof. Bloody Romans! CENTURION Watch it! There's still a few crosses left. PARVUS Up you go, Big Nose! MR. BIG NOSE I'll get you for this, you bastard. PARVUS Oh, yeah? MR. BIG NOSE Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face. PARVUS No? MR. BIG NOSE I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git! PARVUS Shut up, you Jewish turd! MR. BIG NOSE Who are you calling Jewish?! I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan! GREGORY A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section. PARVUS It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two. GREGORY It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling? MRS. GREGORY Oh, rather. GREGORY Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area. PHARISEE Pharisees separate from Sadducees. WELSH MAN And Swedish separate from Welsh. VICTIMS Yeah... PARVUS All right! All right! All right! We'll soon settle this! Hands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here. VICTIMS Ooh. Oh. Uh. Uh... PARVUS Right. Next! SAINTLY PASSER-BY Ah, look. It's not my cross. PARVUS What?! SAINTLY PASSER-BY Um, it's not my cross. I was, ah, holding it for someone. Um-- PARVUS Just lie down. I haven't got all day. SAINTLY PASSER-BY No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss-- PARVUS Look. SAINTLY PASSER-BY Uhh-- PARVUS We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and forty of you lot to get up. GREGORY Is he Jewish? PARVUS Will you be quiet?! GREGORY We don't want any more Samaritans around here. PARVUS Belt up! SAINTLY PASSER-BY Uh, will you let me down if he comes back? PARVUS Yeah. Yeah, we'll let you down. Next! BRIAN You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders. PARVUS I like orders. MR. CHEEKY See? Not so bad, once you're up. You being rescued, then? Are you? BRIAN It's a bit late for that now, isn't it? MR. CHEEKY Oh, now, now. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued. BRIAN Ohh? MR. CHEEKY Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh. BRIAN Ahhh? MR. CHEEKY Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian Empire. Heh heh heh heh. Hello. Your family arrived, then? BRIAN Reg! REG Hello, sibling Brian. BRIAN Thank God you've come, Reg. REG Ahh, yes. Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, that we are not in fact the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepared statement on behalf of the Movement. Uh, 'We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.' BRIAN What? REG 'Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman Imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the P.F.J., etcetera.' And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration for what you are doing for us, Brian, at what must be, after all, for you, a very difficult time. BRIAN Reg! Well, what are you going to do? REG Good-bye, Brian, and thanks. FRANCIS Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad. LORETTA Terrific work, Brian. P.F.J. [mumbling] REG Yeah. Right. And... P.F.J. [singing] For he's a jolly good fellow! For he's a jolly good fellow! For he's a jolly good fellow! And so say all of us! LORETTA And so say all of-- [clap clap clap] BRIAN You bastards! You bastards! CENTURION Where is Brian of Nazareth?! BRIAN You sanctimonious bastards! CENTURION I have an order for his release! BRIAN You stupid bastards! MR. CHEEKY Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth. BRIAN What?! MR. CHEEKY Yeah, I-- I-- I'm Brian of Nazareth. CENTURION Take him down! BRIAN I'm Brian of Nazareth! VICTIM #1 Eh, I'm Brian! MR. BIG NOSE I'm Brian! VICTIM #2 Look, I'm Brian! BRIAN I'm Brian! VICTIMS I'm Brian! GREGORY I'm Brian, and so's my wife! VICTIMS I'm Brian! I'm Brian!... BRIAN I'm Brian of Nazareth! CENTURION All right. Take him away and release him. MR. CHEEKY No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only-- It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke! [exciting music] WORKER Huuuh! The Judean People's Front! PARVUS The Judean People's Front! OTTO Forward all! WORKERS Look out! The Judean People's Front! The Judean People's Front!... OTTO Ve are the Judean People's Front. Crack suicide squad. Suicide squad! Attack! [drum roll] J.P.F. [kill themselves] Uh! Ugh. Aggh... OTTO That showed 'em, huh? Oooh. [whump] BRIAN You silly sods. JUDITH Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian! BRIAN Judith! JUDITH Terrific! Great! Reg has explained it all to me, and I think it's great what you are doing. [sniff] Thank you, Brian. I'll-- I'll never forget you. [moves off] MANDY So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, 'Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care.' I might have known it would...[moves off too] BRIAN Mum! MANDY ...end up like this. Sex, sex. That's... BRIAN Mum! MANDY ...all young people are interested in nowadays. I don't know what the world's coming to. MR. FRISBEE III Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say. Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble. Give a whistle. And this'll help things turn out for the best. And... [music] Always look on the bright side of life. [whistling] Always look on the light side of life. [whistling] If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps. Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing. And... Always look on the bright side of life. SEVERAL [whistling] MR. FRISBEE Come on! SEVERAL Always look on the right side of life, [whistling] MR. FRISBEE For life is quite absurd And death's the final word. You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin. Give the audience a grin. EVERYONE Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow. So,... Always look on the bright side of death, [whistling] Just before you draw your terminal breath. [whistling] MR. FRISBEE Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true. You'll see it's all a show. Keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you. And... EVERYONE Always look on the bright side of life. [whistling] Always look on the right side of life. [whistling] MR. FRISBEE Come on, Brian. Cheer up. EVERYONE Always look on the bright side of life! [whistling] Always look on the bright side of life! [whistling] MR. FRISBEE Worse things happen at sea, you know. EVERYONE Always look on the bright side of life! MR. FRISBEE I mean, what you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing. EVERYONE [whistling] MR. FRISBEE You're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing! EVERYONE Always look on the bright side of life! [whistling] MR. FRISBEE Nothing will come from nothing. You know what they say? EVERYONE Always look on the bright side of life! MR. FRISBEE Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on. Give us a grin. There you bare. See? EVERYONE [whistling] MR. FRISBEE It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer. EVERYONE Always look on the bright side of life! MR. FRISBEE Some of us have got to live as well, you know. EVERYONE [whistling] MR. FRISBEE Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? EVERYONE Always look on the bright side of life! MR. FRISBEE They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him. EVERYONE [whistling] MR. FRISBEE I said to him, 'Bernie.' I said, 'They'll never make their money back.' EVERYONE Always look on the bright side of life! [whistling] THE END